Why is it so hard for me to give people my money? I don’t mean figuratively, either. You think it would be so much easier to hand over a large sum of it, but as I found out on Monday that’s not always the case. The check from the condo sale had cleared over the weekend and I had long ago decided that the first thing I was going to do was upgrade myself from an iBook to a 15″ PowerBook.

On my lunch break I walked up to the Apple Store, checkbook in hand and intentions in head to pick myself up a new computer. Little did I know that a veritable circus of hoops awaited me inside. I figured this would at least be a bit easier than the last time I bought a computer. I learned in that episode that my check card has a large purchase cap in place, so I ruled out that option. I also don’t have a real credit card — credit cards in any shape or form were off the table. Personal check with plenty of ID to back it up. That should be good enough. Get in, get my laptop, get back to work. Real easy.

But with me, nothing is ever easy. Let the games begin!

• Find a sales person on the floor. Easy enough.
• Stand in line at the register. Hmm, rather short — things are going far too well.
• Gawk at the money I’m about to drop on a new laptop. Gawk gawk gawk!
• Photo ID please. I’m ready to give a blood sample if necessary.
• Write out a check and lovingly record it in my checkbook register.
• Check gets run through a TeleCheck machine — SNAG! Since I don’t write large checks on a semi-regular basis, I can’t write a check for a large purchase. My head throbs from the “chicken or the egg” conundrum I find myself in.
• Quick run to the bank some 5 blocks away. Well, more like a fast walk.
• Line dancing again. Not as short as the one before.
• “One cashier’s check please.” No way in hell they can refuse this.
• Back to the Apple Store. I’m gonna be marathon ready in no time at this pace.
• Snag a street vendor hot dog for lunch along the way. What was that about marathon shape, Andrew?
• More line waiting — and they keep growing in length.
• “I’m back for my laptop, and I’ve got a cashier’s check. Stop me now! I dare you!”
• “Sorry sir, we can’t accept cashier’s checks because we’ve been defrauded by someone using them recently”.
• (audibly muttered obscenities were heard as I realized I just wasted my entire lunch time with nothing to show for it).
• Work, work, work. Damn, is that clock moving backwards?
• End of the work day and I’m on my way back to the bank. Thank heavens for Commerce’s extended hours.
• Return of the short line. Can something actually be going my way?
• “I’d like to redeem this cashier’s check I can’t use for cash, please”.
• “We can’t cancel your cashier’s check. You have to deposit it into your account first, then let it clear.” This chump is real luck I had enough left in my account to still cover my purcahse, otherwise he might have had to deal with a man in the midst of a nervous breakdown.
• Race walk back to the Apple Store. New personal record set for visits in one day.
• Return of the super line. Remember your deep breathing exercises, Andrew.
• One PowerBook please. Hold the mayo.
• “And how will you be paying for this, sir?”
• “Do you accept…cash?” Cha-ching!

Finally I walked out of the store, PowerBook in hand and a shell-shocked expression on my face. It would have been my luck after all of that to have someone come and swipe the thing out of my hands on the trip home, so I clutched it tightly. They would have to sever my arm to pry the box from me — that I was sure of.

What should have taken 20 or 30 minutes wound up taking nearly two hours, and has probably cost me a few days off of my life expectancy due to the stress it caused. But in the end, I got what I was after. All was made right in the world again when I powered up that aluminum-clad beauty. I now have some real horsepower to be able to apply to my personal projects, the fruits of which should start showing up around here very soon.

Now what to do with my iBook….