At this point in time last week my insides were being probed, sliced and photographed for posterity. At this moment, it’s only my mentality that’s being subjected to dissection. Roughly half the week was spent recouping and the other half was spent working. Sometimes the two overlapped and I just worked from home — it was a lot easier on my body than trudging into the office and doing the same thing.
The physical strain I was expecting. My first day back at the office I debated on wether to bother bringing my pain meds with me to the office; could I make it through the day or would I have to dope myself up to the point of zombification to make it through my 9 to 5 swing? In the end I voted against the pills and by about 3 or so I was regretting that decision. The same mistake was not repeated today. While the need for them has greatly diminished, it still is a need.
Too bad the little wonder pills can’t take away the brain ache that the office work itself is bringing about. Not the work itself, but more because of how my boss has been doling out said work. This has been a thorn in my side for quite some time and the fact that it’s stayed off the life ledger here for so long is some kind of minor miracle. But as I start to approach the end of the year and the one year mark, I’m starting to analyze my decisions — both past and future — more and more.
When I first started, things were great. I was living by freelancers rules, doing web site, print and user interface work. It was involving, invigorating and above all paying work. The people in the company were good to work with and the person I reported to directly was fair and level headed. An easy place to work at and I enjoyed my workdays.
But then came change. Right about the time when rumors of me landing a full time position started gracing my ears quite a few faces started turning over. The company was still quite healthy (and continues to be) but those I had grown to know and count on were one day here, next day gone.
Finally the full time offer came to me formally, but it involved me jumping full time from general creative tasks to dealing with the software UI side of the company full time. Still quite reasonable, but it also involved a change in who I reported to: the president of the software department, and someone whose mind I can’t pin down. Since becoming a full timer on May 1st, I’ve had one major, unending project in trying to redesign the UI of one of our flagship products. During this time, the focus has shifted many, many, many times. I begged for goals and deadlines and all I received in return was requests to finish the project as soon as possible.
Maybe it’s just me gripping over nothing, but I’d like to think in my four years of professional web work I’ve learned a thing or two about how projects should be handled and what a mishandled one apperas. Before the year is over I think we’ll have things wrapped up, but this could have been finished a whole lot sooner. And I’m not saying things would be better if it had been all in my hands — nothing could be further from the truth. All I wanted to be on this was the talent, but it’s hard to get inspired when your boss’ favorite sayings are “Do it just like Microsoft” and “we’re almost close”.
That last one is almost zen like, and it’s the truest words I’ve ever heard uttered.
My recent health woes have made me quite glad that I was working full time long enough to get the health care package, but that’s about the only good from the situation I see at the moment. Since jumping shift from the creative to the software side of things, the life has slowly been draining from my livelihood. While I like the company and the people, I think jumping back might be the only way I’d get some joy back, but I have high doubts that such a jump would ever be possible.
I guess I’m gonna get the hunt started again — preemptive this time — and see if I can’t breathe some new life into my 9 to 5 dealings. And until then I’ll keep giving 100% to those who sign my paychecks and 110% to those freelance projects I can dig up on my own. There is some hope of maybe working again with some of the past Monetaire crew, and Nick also has the wheels starting to turn with his baby, Think Green Media.
The paths are starting to show themselves to me, even if I can’t read the signs by them quite yet.